Dino’s Chainsaw Asteroid is based loosely on a poster my man-friend, life co-writer and pal Joie Simmons drew for my oldest sons birthday.
The original idea was to make a buncha poster of this character Happy Sawyer doing murderous things on holidays.
Sadly like most of my “great” ideas, they end up in the: “I remember that idea” folder.
Here is part one. It’s not too long, about 800 words. I’ll post updates on Instagram when there is a new update.
Ludwig Von Wolfgang was walking his dog, Bruno. When out of nowhere a bright light appeared in front of him. Stepping out of the light was an odd looking fellow. Wearing a yellow Halloween mask and holding, what looked like a chainsaw? Once the shock of his sudden appearance washed away. The fellow introduced himself as Wolfie. Before Ludwig could offer a reluctant greeting. Wolfie interrupted him and handed over his chainsaw. Listen asshole, he said. Take this awesome chainsaw. It’s magical. It will allow you to jump through space like a fucking superhero. Not like one of those pussy, I lift shit up and punch things type. You’ll be one of the good ones. Trust me on that, Wolfie said.
It was surprisingly lightweight and well balanced. Ludwig held the thing in his hands like it was a baby. Not sure what he was expected to do with it.
What, what am I supposed to do with this? He said.
Wolfie grumbled something unintelligible, that might have been, fucking nOObs and answered, you’ll know.
Also, put this mask on it will make you look cool as shit and the ladies will probably dig it.
The man calling himself Wolfie pulled his Halloween mask off. Under the mask. Ludwig was horrified to see a much older version of himself staring back at him.
You’re me, Ludwig said.
No. Not even close, the older version of Ludwig said. I’m no one now, good luck.
Wolfie paused before he turned as if someone Ludwig couldn’t see or hear told him something that made him stop. Wolfie grumbled again and added, remember that with great power. Wolfie seemed frustrated and stopped again. Is this necessary? I hate this stuff. No one ever remembers it. I barely remember it. Okay, fine, Wolfie continued. Remember with great power blah, blah and other stupid shit that goes along with being a superhero. A lot of people are counting on you. So, don’t fuck it up. Wolfie asked Ludwig or maybe it was whoever Wolfie was arguing with, are you happy now? Wolfie then started a whole new conversation with himself and walked away. While Wolfie was arguing with himself Ludwig looked at the mask and back to Wolfie, but just as oddly as he appeared, his older self was gone.
Now what was he supposed to do, Ludwig thought. I don’t know what just happened? Ludwig said to Bruno. He didn’t answer because he’s a dog or maybe he figured it was a rhetorical question anyway. The mask in his hand was simple looking enough until it began to vibrate. Ludwig felt he should put it on his face to make it stop from vibrating. Bruno probably would have tried to warn his master that was a bad idea if he was asked, but he just watched instead.
With the mask on, a voice spoke to Ludwig. It sounded familiar and friendly. Listen, the voice said. Happy. That’s your new name now. Happy Sawyer. Your timeline is fucked. Another Happy (yes, there is more than one. It’s complicated) messed things up bigly. Real bad. You’re a hero now and with great responsibility and all that shit. It’s your time now. Being a superhero comes with three simple rules. If you break any one of these rules you are no longer a superhero, and now considered a supervillain. Once you’re a villain you will be hunted by other Happy’s like you. So, remember these three rules:
- Fear no man,
- or no evil.
Ludwig was confused. He just wanted to walk his dog, go home. Curl up to his favorite book, Harry Potter and The Sorcerer’s Stone for the hundredth time. Why was this happening? It must be a mistake. They keep calling him Happy. He was not happy at all. Especially with any of this stuff.
Why? Was all he thought about. When he tried to remove the mask. He must have activated something. Because he was now seeing, what could only be described as a computer screen. Weird shapes and gibberish he couldn’t possibly understand. Made sense to him. A user agreement on the use of the chainsaw and the Halloween mask slowly scrolled down the screen. Why won’t it go faster? Ludwig complained aloud. An old lady walking her tiny dog named Pinto briefly stopped thinking Ludwig was talking to her. But quickly picked up Pinto when she saw his crazy outfit and hurried down the sidewalk. Bruno sat faithfully at his master’s side. Watching the lady hurry off. Humans are so complicated, Bruno thought.
Finally, the user agreement reached the end. A box blinked: ACTIVATE CHAINSAW TO AGREE.
Not sure why, but he agreed and pulled the cord to the chainsaw. When it roared to life, the screen changed to HAVE A NICE DAY. Everything around him began to blur and turned to a rainbow of colors. Ludwig thought he would pass out and may have because when the colors disappeared, he was in a beautifully colored Utopia.
Ludwig Von Wolfgang stood in a beautiful field full of weird looking wildflowers. The sky above him was blue and there wasn’t a cloud for miles. It somehow felt like home, but very alien. A hundred feet away a lake so crystal clear that you could count the number of strange looking fish swimming. Over his shoulder, was a picture perfect mountain top covered in snow. Ludwig wasn’t alone. Several multi-colored horses drank from the lake. Strange rainbow-colored birds whistled a beautiful song as they flew from tree to tree. Sitting next to Ludwig or was it Happy it was getting
TO BE CONTINUED….