I wrote this for my daughters birthday. She seemed to like it and I think it came out O.K.
BIG DUMB BIRTHDAY STORY!
“Danger. Danger!” Screamed the little butterfly dragon in Kali Scott’s ear.
“Shut up, you idiot!” Kali Scott angrily shouted at the annoying little dragon.
“I know there is danger. That’s why we’re here.” The four-foot nothing, ex-fairy princess told her bug sized companion.
“First we get paid, then we deal with Rufflebutt.”
It was indeed why Kali Scott was there. She was there to kick-ass, and not just any ass, but the massive asses of goblins, orcs, trolls and any other uglies she saw fit. Her least favorite of those listed — trolls! Boy did she hate trolls. It was her number one least favorite thing of all-time. Followed closely by being awake in the morning and missing the call for dinner. Unfortunately for Ruffleberry The Troll, he checked off two out of three of Kali Scott’s least favorite things.
The big dumb monster needed to pay.
First the villagers they also needed to cough up the dough.
“Paid?” The village mayor complained.
“Hey, being the best at what you do ain’t cheap,” the fairy mercenary replied casually.
Of course while the two delicately negotiated terms of pay, the very, very large Ruffleberry was terrorizing and being a general pain to the small fairy town. Mayor Dinkly had hoped his army would be able to stop the nasty thing, they even tried to bargain with the thing. The Mayor shivered in disgust. Poor Tofer Jon. That will be one less vote in tomorrow’s election. Perhaps if he hadn’t re-budgeted the money for monster defenses, he wouldn’t be having this conversation with Princess Kalico.
“But Princess — it’s the Queen’s duty to protect –“
“Listen Dinkly! I am no longer associated with the Queen AND I am not a Princess anymore. I gave that gig up.” Kali Scott was getting annoyed.
There was a perfectly good troll that need it’s ass kicked and this penny pinching politician was haggling over its towns safety.
“Typical,” Kali Scott groaned. “Perhaps if you didn’t spend your yearly monster defense money the Queen so generously gives all outskirt towns,” Kali Scott paused. “On designer clothes and,” Kali Scott took a deep breath, breathing in the Mayor’s expensive perfume, “rare cologne. You would be able to deal with this threat.”
“Burn,” Maleficent, the little butterfly dragon snickered.
This conversation was getting uncomfortable for Mayor Dinkly. He didn’t need the princess to discover the real reason the town re-budgeted the monster defense money.
“Fine!” The Mayor said tossing his chubby hands into the air. “The Queen will hear about this. I am sure she won’t be happy to learn her daughter is charging poor towns to deal with monsters.” Mayor Dinkly was lying. If he was lucky the Queen would never hear about any of this.
“Whatever? Mal, go with Dinkly and make sure the towns lustrous Mayor pays you in cash.”
“KK boss,” Maleficent answered, and using a minor teleport spell the Mayor and the little butterfly dragon were gone.
“Now where is that stupid troll?” Kali Scott asked to no one in particular.
He wasn’t hard to miss. His big butt was planted in the middle of the town’s market. The ugly thing was using a plank from a cart as a toothpick. Surprisingly the towns army was still in one piece and it was doing it best to move the unmovable object.
“KK, time to get in the game.”
Kali Scott reached into a pouch, one of many she had hidden on her person, pulling out a small tube that was filled with roughly 200 small fluorescence mosquitoes. The ex-princess, now renegade fairy mercenary, took the tube and gave it a severe shake, really pissing off the tube’s occupants. Kali Scott mumbled a luck spell under her breath, “never can be too safe,” she said again to no one in particular and opened the tubes stopper.
The angry mosquitoes rushed out of the tube and formed a giant question mark. Kali Scott motioned towards the sitting Ruffleberry. “Boom!” She smiled.
The 200 angry mosquitoes formed into a missile and targeted the unexpected troll.
Ruffleberry hated coming into town. For one; it always meant there would be fairies. Or worse … humans. Each smelled as bad as the other but humans were the worse. At least with humans, the big dumb troll thought, you knew what they wanted and what they wanted almost always was you dead. Fairies where more complicated. You can imagine Ruffleberry’s confusion when he was invited into town.
“Come on you big dumb monster,” Pepe, the captain of the fairy army complained.
“You’ve had your fun it’s time to go.”
Ruffleberry ignored him. He was giving serious thought to eating another annoying little fairy. Earlier he accidentally ate a fairy and it was upsetting his tummy. Resting always made his stomach feel better. Ruffleberry looked around for something to rest his head on. He reached for a pile of rubble, the pile that used to be Lana the bakers house, Ruffleberry didn’t care and piled the rubble up like it was a pillow, gave it a couple fluffs with his huge hands and proceed to rest his ugly head. Once the big dumb troll’s head hit the rubble pillow it was only seconds before he hit REM sleep and was dreaming about big ugly trolls of the opposite sex.
Captain Pepe was contemplating the new situation when a loud announcement came across the airwaves. “Attention! Fairy citizens: you have ten seconds to evacuate the market square. If you are unable I suggest you duck and cover. 9 – 8 – 7- “
Captain Pepe and the other soldiers barely had time to check the sky, when it blacked out and quickly turned into a huge warhead – headed straight for Ruffleberry and their location.
“Damn,” Captain Pepe meekly said and quickly tucked his head between his ankles. The others followed their fearless leaders lead. It would all be over soon.
The image from Kali Scott’s point of view was a large mushroom cloud. Using the Boomosquito’s was always good a way to put the ex-princess into a better mood.
Once the dust cleared, the villagers immediately began to dig through the rubble, looking for anything they could salvage, anyone still breathing. Thankfully Captain Pepe and the town soldiers, they all managed to survive the explosion. Surprisingly to everyone; Tofer Jon was still alive, a little gross and confused, but the town doctor assured everyone he would be fine.
Ruffleberry was not so lucky. It was learned days later that the Mayor had invited the big dumb troll into town. With the plan that he would rally the villagers against Ruffleberry and ultimately gain their support in his reelection in the upcoming election. Unfortunately Mayor Dinkly had forgotten he squandered the monster defense money on a trip to the Fairy Kingdom and expensive clothing. He would lose the election by one vote and Lana the baker would become the next Mayor.
As for Kali Scott, the ex-princess, now renegade fairy mercenary, and her butterfly dragon Maleficent… well that’s another story altogether.
STORY BY DAD